“The Talk,” How To Tell A Potential Partner That You Have Herpes - Part 2
How to Disclose a Herpes Diagnosis as an opportunity for growth, connection and intimacy!
Having worked with people who have Herpes over the past few years, I understand the all-consuming concern about whether or not someone will ever have sex, relationships, and families, after the "life-changing gift" of Herpes. This fear seems to peak around having the dreaded “Talk," disclosing to potential partners – when and where, and what to say. In my online herpes support group for women, this is one of the biggest fears and skills that we dive into.
This is the 2nd blog on a 3 part series where I will be sharing the guideline that I have developed after reading a number of materials on the subject, participating in discussions with experts as well as clients and using my knowledge from my trauma-informed professional training. Keep in mind that these are just guidelines. Everyone is different and have different circumstances so I go into more detail in my trauma-informed individual therapy for people with herpes and the women’s online support group for herpes.
1. Approach it as a conversation about us both disclosing your STI status, not a confession.
The responsibility shouldn’t be just on you – you are vulnerable too! It’s important in every new relationship to know what each partner brings to the relationship when it comes to health risks. For instance, people who have herpes outbreaks are more susceptible to contracting HIV, another life-long infection, due to the facts that there are already small ruptures on their skin that make it easier for the HIV virus to get into the body.
Making the conversation a two-way street, being transparent and asking our potential partner to also share their STI status, builds trust, encourages open communication, balances the responsibility, and increases intimacy in the coming relationship!
2. Go into the conversation in a calm, confident and caring manner at a safe location for both of you.
Pick a neutral place. Maybe a park, the beach or another quiet place where you will have the privacy and the space to feel comfortable to talking about the topic. Don’t wait until you are in their home undressing to have sex to bring up the topic. It’s important for both of you to be clear-headed and able to make clear choices. It’s also best to give the person a day or two to digest the information but, keep in mind that, the minute you start talking they may tell you that they have herpes themselves or they know of someone who has it.
But if you do need to have “The Talk” and you start sobbing as if you had a life-threatening illness and were doomed for despair and rejection, they are likely to get scared. Your potential partner will pick up on your energy and the conversation will be led by emotion rather than information.
On the other hand, if you present the information in a way that helps them see it as a non-fatal and most often very manageable condition that will not impede your ability to live a healthy and fulfilling life, they will most likely see that too! Plus, you will convey that you care about their well-being and that you will do everything in your power to protect them.
A good way to start the conversation is to ask: "Have you ever had a cold sore?” or “I care about you and before we go any further, I want to talk to you about having safer sex (Safe sex doesn’t exist and the greatest proof of that is unplanned pregnancies.)” or “As we get to know each other better, I want to share something important and personal with you.”
Anyone who deserves your attention should be kind enough to appreciate your honesty and vulnerability and, if they choose not to continue to see you, it’s not a reflection of who you are. It’s a reflection of who they are. You are telling them that you carry a virus that almost 80% of the world population already has and you are breaking the stigma.
3. Be prepared to show them that you are knowledgeable about the topic; including, how to reduce the risk of transmission to them.
There will always be a risk that they will contract the virus, no matter how small it may be. In the same way that, there is a greater risk that we will get into a car accident anytime.
But there are ways to help protect them and minimize that risk:
· Disclosure is a factor in reducing transmission—we behave in response to awareness of the risks involved!
Daily suppressive antiviral therapy has been officially found to reduce the risk of transmission by about half.
· Condom/barrier use has been officially found to reduce the risk by about 30%, with some studies, using specific demographics, reporting as high as a 50% reduction.
· Abstaining from sex during symptoms adds another layer of protection, since we know we're contagious during these periods.
Taking all three steps together significantly reduces the risk and sharing this information reassures potential partners that you are knowledgeable about that issue and more aware of our own and of their sexual health.
To be continued next week….
If you, or someone you know have been affected by herpes and is looking for support and guidance; you found the right place. I offer both in-person and online trauma-informed individual therapy for people struggling with herpes and online herpes support groups for women.
Contact me today for a FREE 15-minute phone consultation at: (858) 842-0234 or email me at: miriam@miriamchorfreitas.com I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
“The Talk,” How to Tell a Potential Partner that You Have Herpes - Part 1
How to Disclose a Herpes Diagnosis as an opportunity for self-care, growth and connection!
Having worked with people who have Herpes over the past few years, I understand the all-consuming concern about whether or not someone will ever have sex, relationships, and families, after the "life-changing gift" of Herpes. This fear seems to peak around having the dreaded “Talk," disclosing to potential partners – when and where, and what to say.
Over the next 3 weeks I will be sharing the guideline that I have developed after reading a number of materials on the subject, participating in discussions with experts as well as clients and using my knowledge from my trauma-informed professional training. Keep in mind that these are just guidelines. Everyone is different and have different circumstances so I go into more detail in my trauma-informed individual therapy for people with herpes and the women’s online support group for herpes.
1. Don't disclose on the first date, unless you are planning on kissing or having sex with someone.* It’s usually best to wait until around the third date.
Disclosing right away often invites potential partners to focus on the virus as opposed to focusing on you. Also, remember that you are the sum of your parts, and that they are not going to know that unless we give them a chance to find out.
I would rather have you focus on getting to know each other before sharing your STI status. Notice that I mean “your” as in BOTH OF YOUR STI status. Don’t forget that most people who have Herpes don’t even know that they have it so you may not be the only one with a positive status.
In addition to that, what if it turns out that that potential partner doesn't have any potential after all? What if the chemistry turns out to be missing? What if there is no compatibility? Then, you just revealed something very personal to someone with whom you don't even see a future with. You get to choose too!
*I will discuss that next…
2. Why disclosing before kissing if oral herpes is so common or if you know that you have genital herpes?
You are building trust with this person.
You are showing that you care about your health and their health.
You know that sooner or later that will need to become a topic of conversation so you are modeling open and honest communication.
Last, but not least, you are challenging the herpes stigma
3. Have “The Talk” in person.
In a world where we are constantly bombarded by emails, texts, and social media, being able to communicate in person is becoming a rarity and we losing our ability to fully express ourselves in conversation. Not only this is a strength that will empower you in any relationship; but it will also speak to your character and willingness to address delicate matters with confidence and self-awareness.
Having “The Talk” in person also gives you both the chance to have each other’s full-attention and the ability to read each other's body language, which can give people a lot of information that is missed in text and on the phone. It allows you to have more open and organic discussions that lead to more intimacy.
To be continued next week….on Part 2
If you, or someone you know have been affected by genital herpes and is looking for support and guidance; you found the right place. I offer both in-person and online trauma-informed individual therapy for people struggling with herpes and an online herpes support groups for women.
Contact me today for a FREE 20-minute phone consultation at: (858) 842-0234 or email me at: miriam@miriamchorfreitas.com I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
What are the basics of trauma and effective trauma-informed care?
What is trauma?
Trauma is any experience that overwhelms the nervous system, which is comprised of the central nervous system (the brain and the spinal cord) and the peripherical nervous system (the nerves that run throughout our bodies); and, threatens our instinctual need for safety and survival.
We all experience trauma and we all have a natural drive to go through these experiences, resolve them and grow from them. However, when we experience an event or a series of events that are so beyond our level of resilience that our spontaneous ability to learn, grow and adapt to our new circumstances shuts down and our nervous system loses its ability to respond effectively to the experience. We default to our instinctual need for safety and survival and withdraw, we get traumatized by the circumstances and often develop chronic symptoms of anxiety, depression, guilt and shame, relationship difficulties, and, even, addictions as a result of that. That is what is commonly known as Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Complex-PTSD.
What is effective trauma-informed care?
Effective trauma treatment requires a holistic approach to addressing cognitive, emotional, and somatic(physical) symptoms. Traditional talk therapy usually focuses on thoughts and feelings leaving out the somatic/physiological responses to the traumatizing event(s).
Therapists trained in the combined use of EMDR and Somatic Therapy have advanced tools to work with post-traumatic stress. They are able to use somatic interventions with EMDR Therapy to help clients work through traumatic memories without becoming too overwhelmed or shutting down completely. The aim is to work within the “window of tolerance,” which is an optimal zone of nervous system arousal where we are able to respond effectively to our emotional distress without getting re-traumatized in therapy.
If you or someone you know is struggling with trauma, PTSD, or C-PTSD, and wants to learn more about SOMATIC EMDR and trauma-informed individual therapy, contact me today to schedule your free 20-minute phone consultation at: (858) 842-0234 or email me at: miriam@miriamchorfreitas.com