“The Talk,” How To Tell A Potential Partner That You Have Herpes - Part 2
How to Disclose a Herpes Diagnosis as an opportunity for growth, connection and intimacy!
Having worked with people who have Herpes over the past few years, I understand the all-consuming concern about whether or not someone will ever have sex, relationships, and families, after the "life-changing gift" of Herpes. This fear seems to peak around having the dreaded “Talk," disclosing to potential partners – when and where, and what to say. In my online herpes support group for women, this is one of the biggest fears and skills that we dive into.
This is the 2nd blog on a 3 part series where I will be sharing the guideline that I have developed after reading a number of materials on the subject, participating in discussions with experts as well as clients and using my knowledge from my trauma-informed professional training. Keep in mind that these are just guidelines. Everyone is different and have different circumstances so I go into more detail in my trauma-informed individual therapy for people with herpes and the women’s online support group for herpes.
1. Approach it as a conversation about us both disclosing your STI status, not a confession.
The responsibility shouldn’t be just on you – you are vulnerable too! It’s important in every new relationship to know what each partner brings to the relationship when it comes to health risks. For instance, people who have herpes outbreaks are more susceptible to contracting HIV, another life-long infection, due to the facts that there are already small ruptures on their skin that make it easier for the HIV virus to get into the body.
Making the conversation a two-way street, being transparent and asking our potential partner to also share their STI status, builds trust, encourages open communication, balances the responsibility, and increases intimacy in the coming relationship!
2. Go into the conversation in a calm, confident and caring manner at a safe location for both of you.
Pick a neutral place. Maybe a park, the beach or another quiet place where you will have the privacy and the space to feel comfortable to talking about the topic. Don’t wait until you are in their home undressing to have sex to bring up the topic. It’s important for both of you to be clear-headed and able to make clear choices. It’s also best to give the person a day or two to digest the information but, keep in mind that, the minute you start talking they may tell you that they have herpes themselves or they know of someone who has it.
But if you do need to have “The Talk” and you start sobbing as if you had a life-threatening illness and were doomed for despair and rejection, they are likely to get scared. Your potential partner will pick up on your energy and the conversation will be led by emotion rather than information.
On the other hand, if you present the information in a way that helps them see it as a non-fatal and most often very manageable condition that will not impede your ability to live a healthy and fulfilling life, they will most likely see that too! Plus, you will convey that you care about their well-being and that you will do everything in your power to protect them.
A good way to start the conversation is to ask: "Have you ever had a cold sore?” or “I care about you and before we go any further, I want to talk to you about having safer sex (Safe sex doesn’t exist and the greatest proof of that is unplanned pregnancies.)” or “As we get to know each other better, I want to share something important and personal with you.”
Anyone who deserves your attention should be kind enough to appreciate your honesty and vulnerability and, if they choose not to continue to see you, it’s not a reflection of who you are. It’s a reflection of who they are. You are telling them that you carry a virus that almost 80% of the world population already has and you are breaking the stigma.
3. Be prepared to show them that you are knowledgeable about the topic; including, how to reduce the risk of transmission to them.
There will always be a risk that they will contract the virus, no matter how small it may be. In the same way that, there is a greater risk that we will get into a car accident anytime.
But there are ways to help protect them and minimize that risk:
· Disclosure is a factor in reducing transmission—we behave in response to awareness of the risks involved!
Daily suppressive antiviral therapy has been officially found to reduce the risk of transmission by about half.
· Condom/barrier use has been officially found to reduce the risk by about 30%, with some studies, using specific demographics, reporting as high as a 50% reduction.
· Abstaining from sex during symptoms adds another layer of protection, since we know we're contagious during these periods.
Taking all three steps together significantly reduces the risk and sharing this information reassures potential partners that you are knowledgeable about that issue and more aware of our own and of their sexual health.
To be continued next week….
If you, or someone you know have been affected by herpes and is looking for support and guidance; you found the right place. I offer both in-person and online trauma-informed individual therapy for people struggling with herpes and online herpes support groups for women.
Contact me today for a FREE 15-minute phone consultation at: (858) 842-0234 or email me at: miriam@miriamchorfreitas.com I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
