“The Talk,” How to Tell a Potential Partner that You Have Herpes - Part 1
How to Disclose a Herpes Diagnosis as an opportunity for self-care, growth and connection!
Having worked with people who have Herpes over the past few years, I understand the all-consuming concern about whether or not someone will ever have sex, relationships, and families, after the "life-changing gift" of Herpes. This fear seems to peak around having the dreaded “Talk," disclosing to potential partners – when and where, and what to say.
Over the next 3 weeks I will be sharing the guideline that I have developed after reading a number of materials on the subject, participating in discussions with experts as well as clients and using my knowledge from my trauma-informed professional training. Keep in mind that these are just guidelines. Everyone is different and have different circumstances so I go into more detail in my trauma-informed individual therapy for people with herpes and the women’s online support group for herpes.
1. Don't disclose on the first date, unless you are planning on kissing or having sex with someone.* It’s usually best to wait until around the third date.
Disclosing right away often invites potential partners to focus on the virus as opposed to focusing on you. Also, remember that you are the sum of your parts, and that they are not going to know that unless we give them a chance to find out.
I would rather have you focus on getting to know each other before sharing your STI status. Notice that I mean “your” as in BOTH OF YOUR STI status. Don’t forget that most people who have Herpes don’t even know that they have it so you may not be the only one with a positive status.
In addition to that, what if it turns out that that potential partner doesn't have any potential after all? What if the chemistry turns out to be missing? What if there is no compatibility? Then, you just revealed something very personal to someone with whom you don't even see a future with. You get to choose too!
*I will discuss that next…
2. Why disclosing before kissing if oral herpes is so common or if you know that you have genital herpes?
You are building trust with this person.
You are showing that you care about your health and their health.
You know that sooner or later that will need to become a topic of conversation so you are modeling open and honest communication.
Last, but not least, you are challenging the herpes stigma
3. Have “The Talk” in person.
In a world where we are constantly bombarded by emails, texts, and social media, being able to communicate in person is becoming a rarity and we losing our ability to fully express ourselves in conversation. Not only this is a strength that will empower you in any relationship; but it will also speak to your character and willingness to address delicate matters with confidence and self-awareness.
Having “The Talk” in person also gives you both the chance to have each other’s full-attention and the ability to read each other's body language, which can give people a lot of information that is missed in text and on the phone. It allows you to have more open and organic discussions that lead to more intimacy.
To be continued next week….on Part 2
If you, or someone you know have been affected by genital herpes and is looking for support and guidance; you found the right place. I offer both in-person and online trauma-informed individual therapy for people struggling with herpes and an online herpes support groups for women.
Contact me today for a FREE 20-minute phone consultation at: (858) 842-0234 or email me at: miriam@miriamchorfreitas.com I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
The Reality And The Myths Of Genital Herpes
At least 1 in every 8 people between ages 14 and 49 have genital herpes in the United States today and the risk goes up as we get older (CDC statistics, 2022). Plus, according to the World Health Organization, an estimated 491 million people aged 15-49 (13%) worldwide carry the herpes virus that is most often associated with genital herpes (HSV2) and 67% of the world population carry the virus that is most often associated with oral herpes (HSV1) but can also cause genital herpes through oral sex (WHO, 2023).
Common Myths About Genital Herpes:
1. Only people who are promiscuous and irresponsible catch genital herpes so if I practice safer sex in a monogamous relationship, I won’t catch it.
2. Everyone will be afraid of getting intimate with me and I will never have a normal sex life again because I will have genital herpes outbreaks all the time.
3. Most people who have herpes lie to their partners because they are afraid of the stigma.
The Reality About Genital Herpes:
1. At least 1 in every 8 people between ages 14 and 49 have genital herpes in the United States today and the risk goes up as we get older (CDC statistics, 2022). Plus, according to the World Health Organization, an estimated 491 million people aged 15-49 (13%) worldwide carry the herpes virus that is most often associated with genital herpes (HSV2) and 67% of the world population carry the virus that is most often associated with oral herpes (HSV1) but can also cause genital herpes through oral sex (WHO, 2023).
2. Most people don’t even know that they have genital herpes because the great majority of people either have so mild symptoms that they mistake them for something else or they don’t even experience any symptoms at all. Also, when people do have symptoms, they are usually very treatable and won’t keep you from having a healthy and fulfilling life…INCLUDING a sex life!
3. Herpes doesn't define you, your morals or your values. The stigma is a real problem, often times, worse than the infection itself. However, if we all knew the facts and talked about sex more openly and honestly as a society, we would be more willing to focus on prevention, ALL sexually transmitted infection rates would go down and we would be less likely to judge and make assumptions about other people’s sexual behavior. You are an unique individual with singular qualities that only you can offer.
So what’s the takeaway? Genital herpes is a very common sexually transmitted infection that rarely causes any medical complications but can cause significant emotional distress or even trauma due to the stigma fueled by fear and ignorance surrounding sexual health.
If you, or someone you know have been affected by genital herpes and is looking for support and guidance; you found the right place. I offer both in-person and online trauma-informed individual therapy for people struggling with herpes and an online herpes support groups for women.
Contact me today for a FREE 20-minute phone consultation at: (858) 842-0234 or email me at: miriam@miriamchorfreitas.com I’m looking forward to hearing from you!