“The Talk,” How to Tell a Potential Partner that You Have Herpes - Part 1

How to Disclose a Herpes Diagnosis as an opportunity for self-care, growth and connection!

Having worked with people who have Herpes over the past few years, I understand the all-consuming concern about whether or not someone will ever have sex, relationships, and families, after the "life-changing gift" of Herpes. This fear seems to peak around having the dreaded “Talk," disclosing to potential partners – when and where, and what to say.

Over the next 3 weeks I will be sharing the guideline that I have developed after reading a number of materials on the subject, participating in discussions with experts as well as clients and using my knowledge from my trauma-informed professional training. Keep in mind that these are just guidelines. Everyone is different and have different circumstances so I go into more detail in my trauma-informed individual therapy for people with herpes and the women’s online support group for herpes.

1.    Don't disclose on the first date, unless you are planning on kissing or having sex with someone.* It’s usually best to wait until around the third date.

Disclosing right away often invites potential partners to focus on the virus as opposed to focusing on you. Also, remember that you are the sum of your parts, and that they are not going to know that unless we give them a chance to find out.  

I would rather have you focus on getting to know each other before sharing your STI status. Notice that I mean “your” as in BOTH OF YOUR STI status. Don’t forget that most people who have Herpes don’t even know that they have it so you may not be the only one with a positive status. 

In addition to that, what if it turns out that that potential partner doesn't have any potential after all? What if the chemistry turns out to be missing? What if there is no compatibility? Then, you just revealed something very personal to someone with whom you don't even see a future with. You get to choose too!

*I will discuss that next…

2.  Why disclosing before kissing if oral herpes is so common or if you know that you have genital herpes?

•  You are building trust with this person.

• You are showing that you care about your health and their health.

•  You know that sooner or later that will need to become a topic of conversation so you are modeling open and honest communication.

• Last, but not least, you are challenging the herpes stigma

3.  Have “The Talk” in person.

In a world where we are constantly bombarded by emails, texts, and social media, being able to communicate in person is becoming a rarity and we losing our ability to fully express ourselves in conversation. Not only this is a strength that will empower you in any relationship; but it will also speak to your character and willingness to address delicate matters with confidence and self-awareness.

Having “The Talk” in person also gives you both the chance to have each other’s full-attention and the ability to read each other's body language, which can give people a lot of information that is missed in text and on the phone.  It allows you to have more open and organic discussions that lead to more intimacy.

To be continued next week….on Part 2

If you, or someone you know have been affected by genital herpes and is looking for support and guidance; you found the right place. I offer both in-person and online trauma-informed individual therapy for people struggling with herpes and an online herpes support groups for women.

1. Contact me today for a FREE 20-minute phone consultation at: (858) 842-0234 or email me at: miriam@miriamchorfreitas.com I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

Challenging LGBTQIA+ Biases and Discrimination in our Communities in the 21st Century!

As an individual and a mental health provider, I find it disturbing that we are in the 21st century and we are still living in such a homophobic and transphobic world. We know that there have been people who have different genders and sexual orientations since the beginning of times; so why do we keep discriminating against them? Truthfully we probably have a lot more in common with them than we think. They are people who have jobs and families and do the same mundane things that we do on a daily basis. They are humans and they want to be loved and respected like everybody else. Why do we need to be so caught on on their gender expression or who they want to love or be with???

It saddens me to see my clients feel scared to “come out” and loose a loved one. Or not be able to invite theirs partners to family affairs. I feel grateful that I was raised in a tolerant environment where my parents modeled a positive regard for people who have different genders or sexual orientation.

I grew up in the 1970’s and 80’s (C’mon, I am not that old…haha…) and we had a live-in housekeeper who was a transgendered person. That was uncommon at the time but it was not an issue for my father and that attitude rubbed off on me. I also remember my other grieving the death of a gay friend who died of AIDS. I remember us dancing with him in the living room.

Unfortunately non-conforming people and sexually diverse people have essentially grown up and live in an intolerant world that does not feel safe and often encountering discouraging messages and hostile behaviors that create the experience of repeated trauma that leads to shame and fear which create anxiety and those who suffer from repeated trauma may have more severe symptoms of depression and anxiety that may lead to C-PTSD. TGNC people have a disproportionately high rate of mental illness that is influenced in part by lack of societal support.

TGNC people have been shown to have high levels of suicidal ideation and as many as 50% have attempted suicide in their lifetime. They are often the victims of hate crimes and at least 25% have reported being attacked in their lifetime.

Those who live on a more diverse gender spectrum are still placed into discrete “boxes” regarding their sexual orientation. It is important to understand that sexual orientation can present in many forms and can be fluid over time.

In addition to my multicultural and diverse background, I have also experienced prejudice and disclination so I can empathize with their challenges and I really support and enjoy working with LGBTQIA+ and TGNC people.

So come as you are, I am waiting for you! You will be welcomed, supported and empowered on your journey toward self-love, self-worth, self-compassion and healing!

Warmly,

Miriam

Starting therapy is not easy, it takes courage, so if you are ready to get started, call or email me to schedule your initial FREE 20 minute phone consultation at (858)842-0234 or miriam@miriamchorfreitas.com